In september i went to a conference with my husband .. KIDLESS. Amazing fun. We then took our kids to Florida the week later. It was our year of travel. I had noted my period was late but didn't think much about it. A trip to the dollar store for some colouring books and i thought "oh... i should grab some tests... always great to have on hand". I came home.. ready to take a shower and thought... "ah, what the heck" i took the test DEAD SET it was negative. After my shower i checked.. 2 lines... puzzled and convinced that meant negative i grabbed the box.. OMG!!! i cannot begin to tell you the influx of thoughts that went through my head and quite honestly most of them were "I'm not ready for this... i can barely cope with 2 little busy bodies". I yelled for my husband to come upstair (and leave the kids downstairs) He comes up casually.. walking into the bathroom and me standing there, deer in the headlights look on my face holding this 2 lined test. He asks "is this a joke?" of course my reaction "does this look like a joke?? do i look like I'm joking?" (note.. the first sentence i put.. IM A PLANNER and this was not the PLAN). i honestly hit him a few times in shock "what happened, weren't we careful?" Panic set in and the tears began to flow. It took me a good 3 days of digesting this news. This was just before thanksgiving. In the end .. we were of course happy. Just a HUGE shock!! Everything was going to be ok.. it was going to be great!. We told no one and had full plans on keeping it that way for a while.
A few days after thanksgiving i had a horrible throat infection. So bad that it had me in tears. Unable to swallow but no diagnosis. It was not strep but i had a HUGE lump right under my chin. If you know me at all you know that being a paramedic i avoid the emerge like the plague when I'm not at work.... so much in fact that i have my kids at home and out of the hospital. The pain was so severe that i went on my own to the hospital. I was admitted (after a few hours) to critical care and was told that I most likely had Epiglottis. They offered me iv antibiotics that they said were safe but prior to that they had offered me 2 types of meds that were in fact NOT safe in pregnancy. Having some medical background at least helped me catch all this but still had me in complete worry of taking anything. I knew i had to make a choice to trust that these antibiotics were ok and that if i didn't take them i had the risk of completely losing my airway and causing massive complications to my life. (note... i had 2 clients i was helping at this time i was in the hospital - thanks to debbie for helping me when i couldn't answer). I left the hospital with meds and complete worry.
I checked in with my doc a few days later and expressed my worry about my baby. I was only 6-7 weeks along. He said there was no harm in an ultrasound and gave me a requisition. It was a huge sigh of relief. I booked that ASAP and went on my own. The tech did her testing and showed me the "sac" but did explain that i was very early along and i most likely would need to come back. I left happy enough that things were forming as they should. The next day I got a call from my doc to come in and review the results. Fairly typical for him to do. I went to the appointment with my daughter. He informed me that the findings were not good. I had a blighted ovum or anembryonic gestational pregnancy. In laments terms (which i had no clue at the time) the pregnancy takes. The sperm and egg fertilize and implant but the chromosomes never align and a baby is never actually formed. Most people wouldn't know this and would miscarry around 10 weeks thinking they miscarried a baby but it may have just been the sac. He assured me it was nothing i did. Nothing i took and that this happened at conception. I opted to take my results and discuss my options with my midwife. I was a disaster. All of a sudden something i was not prepared for and not sure i even wanted at the time was being torn away from me. Ive been fortunate. Ive had 2 pregnancies and 2 perfect at home labours resulting in 2 perfect kids. This was foreign to me and I always felt heartbroken for parents who lost or couldn't conceive. All of a sudden i was realizing that I was going to lose a baby and fully understand that heartache. I was devastated and confused.My husband also was heartbroken. We hugged, we cried and we said we were going to be ok. We had 2 beautiful kids and this didn't mean that we could never have more in the future. I went to my midwife who explained the process and gave me options of how to speed up the miscarriage or how to proceed to let it happen on its own. Knowing I'm a low intervention kind of person i opted to give myself 3 weeks to let things happen. Through all this i was told i would have ALL signs of normal pregnancy. Which for me is nausea, vomiting, more vomiting and MORE vomiting. Every time i threw up (which was multiple times a day) i cried thinking that all this was for nothing. There was no baby. i was throwing up for nothing. I dealt as best as i could for 2 weeks. By week 3 i was hitting a point that depression and daily crying (all day) was getting to be too much. Even seeing my healthy kids wasn't working. I kept focusing on the loss. I decided that i couldn't do it anymore. I needed to move forward. So at 10 weeks I was going to book my D&C. I went to see my doc who suggested another ultrasound to confirm and then i could book something with my midwives. The day before my ultrasound was the worst day i think i have had in my life. I was alone at night, Both kids in bed sleeping and i was laying in bed completely a mess. Tears weren't even enough. It was a flood of emotions. How is it that something that i was so mad about happening in the first place be something now that i was devastated to lose. I was understanding now what people have to deal with over and over again. But this was only one time. ONE TIME for me. I was crying out of sympathy. To parents who have lost..... my utmost respect and sympathy to you. What a horrible feeling.. i know i am truly blessed. In all of this.... i continued my trainings. I cancelled no one and continued to help as hard as it was. Trainings with my clients was not about me. It was about you and your family.
The next day, i hugged my husband and the kids and i went on my own to the ultrasound clinic. I walked in and told the tech that i knew it was a blighted ovum and just wanted confirmation. I was already crying. She started moving the wand around and not talking.... after a few minutes i couldn't take the silence "did you find it? The sac?' Her response "Yes...i found it... But i also found your baby. You are 10 weeks pregnant.. look... theres the heartbeat" Imagine my reaction. I couldn't even look i was trembling and the tears of disbelief. When i was able to see again i looked at the screen. There it was. a little bean and a little perfect heartbeat. She finished her tests as i just played there and cried. I cried all the way home and when i got in the door my husband ran to me and just hugged me. "ok" he said "lets call the midwife" .... "NO!!... we can't do that.... we are having a baby" The look on his face was complete confusion. i had to explain everything to him and all we could do was cry together. A miracle. A second chance. I wanted this baby more then anything. Something in the beginning i took for granted and didn't understand how quickly it could swap around... my goodness what a hard lesson to learn!.. What a blessing..
I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I had mourned a loss of a baby that i didn't fully lose. I want to send my hugs and my utmost respect to the parents who did not have the outcome i had and who actually had to go through the miscarry process in its entirety. My respect to you. I can only say i had a smidgen of a taste of what that would be and it was overly painful. Today my baby is healthy and 21 weeks old. Im due June 15th, and i am savouring every moment (even all the vomiting- I didn't complain once after knowing). Im taking time to stop and feel every kick and every movement because something is different this time. We are so excited (and scared) to be a family of 5 where we, as adults are outnumbered by kids, but i wouldn't trade it for anything... and hey.. at least sleep is the least of my concerns lol.
Thank you so much for taking time to read this. (sorry about the lack of caps on the "i's" I'm soooo bad at that.. i just type as I would speak my story. Sometimes too fast to correct my I's