So, what does my baby turning a year mean? It means that its time to return to work. To get my butt back out on the streets of Hamilton and provide patient care. I do enjoy my "job," I enjoyed it more before I found my true calling of being a mom. The thought of returning to work was daunting. I tried to find any way I could to get out of it. Obviously, I didn't win the lottery so my lunch is packed and my Uniform is out and ready. I have really been in denial. I refused to believe that my DD was turning a year old. I knew that 2 days after her birthday id have to leave her and my son. This time, I knew I would be returning to work for a longer haul. Back to 12 hour days and 12 hour nights 2 to 5 shifts per week. When I returned to work after having my son I was only there 2 weeks before finding out I was pregnant. So mat leave was in my line of sight again and another year off with him.
I've been back to work for 2 weeks, and it is so hard. My first 2 shifts on the road I thought I was doing great. Of course I talked about my kids to anyone that would listen and showed off pics any chance I could. And then it happened. Shift 2, hour 11 of 12. I got a phone call from my mom. "Sabrina, Im sorry to call you but HE has never been like this. Gabe (my son) wont stop crying for him mommy". I can hear him in the background and my heart breaks. The tears start flowing and I'm a mess. My (male) partner (with no children) looks at me like I'm a fool. I promise my lil guy i'll be home as soon as I can , hang up and try to compose myself. I did good. 2 days before I even shed a tear. Not bad — I accepted it as part of a process. AND THEN IT HAPPENS!!... The dreaded call that will put me into overtime and cause me to not get home until after bedtime. After a few choice words, I pick myself up and I try to convince myself I'm doing the best I can and he knows I will do my best to get home.
I made it home just after bedtime but my mom kept them up for me. The excitement in both of there faces to see me melted my heart. The hugs were what I needed. My son loves to see me in uniform. "mommy, you the ambulance. Weee whooo weeeee whooo," "Yes, buddy I am" My daughter just smiles at me and thats all it takes.
Integrating back into the daily work atmosphere is tough, but for most of us, a requirement. Our hearts stay at home with our kids. There are somethings that I missed and have enjoyed. Adult conversation - WOW... a change from the norm. It's not all baby talk but talk about everything and sharing stories. I have to say though, My ability to talk to my kids have come in handy lol. Though haven't put any of my patients in time out there are many patients that need to be spoken to like kids.
I know that I'm working FOR them. I have to give it my 100% while away from them at work but on my days off. Its 110% focus on them. They have my full attention and we have fun. Planning outings and park/play dates. Its gonna take me a bit to get use to this new working mommy role. But I'm confident i'll figure it out. I'm gonna ace it!!!
If you are reading this and about to return to work. It's ok to have a cry. Its normal to have a cry. Embrace it as part of a process. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you a parent. A DAMN GOOD PARENT!!!!!
"Being a trainer and a paramedic, helping people every day, that brings me so much joy.... But this right here... these people...
THEY ARE MY LIFE. MY EVERYTHING."